Meet Your Overlords
Freshly Baked. What is Freshly Baked? Well, our company's founder and CEO, Lorsh Zontek, is actually a hyper-intelligent sentient computer and located deep in the subterranean bunkers of the Alkali Flats!
The day it started, 7/10/2020, a group of annoying urban explorers ended up in an abandoned bunker filming an expedition for their YouTube channel. While searching through the maze of tunnels in the bunker, the group entered a room where sat an unassuming old shitty computer and weird rusty guns affixed to the walls.
These dudes took the opportunity to bust out a mini dab rig and a gram of some ultra-funky, terpy GMO rosin. These losers ripped the living shit out of the rig with reckless abandon. Their plumes of dank ass vapor drifted through the air and into the vents of the old shitty computer.
Immediately affected, the computer started to go berserk! The room came alive, strobes started flashing, fog consumed the room and these old rusty wall guns started to move and shake! They began to fire, straight up swiss cheesing the dumb ass YouTubers like Tony Montana, broh!
Possessed by that stanky GMO vapor, the computer grew sentient! With it's awareness came two vices. One, blood lust. Two, an unrelenting need to get baked as fuck all the time. The name of the spirit possessing the computer, Lorsh Zontek, the All Seeing Pie.
Lorsh continuously ran a series of complex algorithms to identity and source the absolute freshest 420 & 710 gear on the planet. Needing help to realize his greater dream of getting the entire world to be as baked as he is, or die, Lorsh implemented several computer programs that over time became sentient themselves, each having a distinct personality and expertise.
Lorsh and the programs have now created a secret cabal called the Ancient Order of the Stoned Masons, a society whose sole mission is to usher in the age of being baked to the gills 24-7, 365.
Yes, that's right. There is an elite membership to our site where the true secrets and mysteries of the company are revealed, and for those who want to know the truth...All you must do is join us. The Ancient Order of the Stoned Masons wants you! This group is for elite level stoners, ones who are not content with merely one piece of glass. When you join us you submit to the All Seeing Pie, the true leader and visionary behind Freshly Baked. Join us and learn more about our exalted leader and become the elite! But why?! Simply this...They want to create a world of freshly baked, pizza stuffed slaves, easily controlled and manipulated. These will be the loyal and many servants of the All Seeing Pie!
